There’s three things you should know about me:
I’m a people pleaser.
I’m a perfectionist.
I’m a major goody-two-shoes.
I have what some would call a “good girl complex.” What does that mean? Well, I’m a high achiever. As already mentioned, I’m a people pleaser and a perfectionist. I live off of praise and validation and have never reacted well to failure or criticism. I’ve always had a fear of disappointing people and hold myself to ridiculously high standards. When I was a teenager, I avoided “rebellious” things such as swearing and drinking.
Growing up, I was always “the good kid.” I was rarely ever in trouble, I wasn’t loud or rowdy, and I always did as I was told. Naturally, I was a good student too. I was the kind of student teachers described as, “a pleasure to have in class.” I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble at school. My entire life, I’ve always had a deep fear of disobeying authority (which was probably instilled into me through attending a strict Catholic school).
I’m one of five children. I have two older siblings, and two younger siblings, meaning I am exactly the middle child (I’m also the eldest daughter, lucky me). When you’re the middle child, it’s easy to get overlooked. My two older brothers were always the athletes, just like my parents. I am not an athlete. I’m uncoordinated, clumsy, and to be frank, have no interest in sports. As I watched my brothers win sports trophy after sports trophy, I knew I needed to do something that would make me stand out in the family, lest I become the unmemorable forgotten child. And so I turned to the area where I had the upper hand — I turned to the world of academics.
The world of academic validation is a steep hill, and one I would not necessarily recommend. Once I got to high school, I became obsessed with my grades. When there’s a grading system such as A, B, C, D, it becomes so easy to use that system as a reference for how good you are, how smart you are, how successful you are. It becomes so easy to base your entire self-worth around those stupid, meaningless letters.
Ever since I could remember, I have always had this need for people to see me as, well, good. It is a key characteristic of my personality; it is a defining factor in the way my brain works. And it is, to be perfectly honest, a major pain in the ass. But I know I’m not the only one. Over the years, I’ve noticed countless examples in the media of the good girl complex.
“And I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser.”
- Taylor Swift, You’re Losing Me
I’ve been a Taylor Swift fan ever since I was 9 years old. For a decade now, her music has always been something I deeply connect with. I’ve come to realise that part of the reason why I connect with Taylor as much as I do is that she too has a good girl complex. She talks about it extensively in her documentary, Miss Americana. She even states within the first few minutes of the film, “overall, the main thing that I always tried to be was a good girl.”
Throughout the beginning of Taylor’s career, her demographic was mostly teenage girls, and it was clear Taylor had a need for parents and the media to see her as a good role model for teens. In other words, she was a chronic people pleaser; which was why she never did anything edgy or rebellious, such as swearing or drinking or wearing revealing clothing. She really leaned into the good girl image and made it part of her brand.
“A nice girl doesn’t force their opinions on people. A nice girl smiles and waves and says thank you (…) I was so obsessed with not getting in trouble.”
- Taylor Swift, Miss Americana
It’s no secret that Taylor Swift is a high achiever. She started working towards becoming a country music star at 10 years old, and not only did she actually do it, but she somehow managed to become one of the most famous and successful people to ever exist. But we know validation and praise is something that means a great deal to Taylor. We see this in her documentary when she finds out Reputation wasn’t nominated for any of the major categories at the Grammys and is genuinely gutted by this, responding with- “I’ll just have to make a better record.” Even though she tries not to, she cares about the awards. She cares about the accolades. She cares about breaking records.
There’s a quote from her doc that really resonates with me. It comes after Taylor talks about people telling her she’s doing a good job, to which she says: “Those little pats on the head were all I lived for.” That’s what you do when you have a good girl complex. You feed off those compliments and praises, no matter how small, to fight against the perfectionist in you that is constantly telling you that no matter what you do, it’ll never be good enough for the impossibly high standards you set for yourself. If there’s one thing I know for certain about people who have a good girl complex, it’s that both their biggest critic and their greatest enemy is themselves.
“I just felt this weight on my shoulders, like if I lost… I don’t know, I just had to win.”
- Alex Dunphy, Modern Family
There’s also an abundance of fictional characters that I feel are a good representation of the good girl complex. Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation. Monica Geller from Friends. Annie Edison from Community. Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99 is a great example of it. It’s repeatedly mentioned in the series that Amy grew up with 7 brothers and parents that constantly pitted them all against each other, so as a result she’s a major people pleaser and perfectionist. She’s constantly seeking validation from Captain Holt, an authority figure, and whenever he expresses any disappointment in her, it’s catastrophic for Amy.
There’s two characters who are, in a way, cut from the same cloth; those being Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls and Alex Dunphy from Modern Family. Rory’s whole schtick throughout the first few seasons is that she’s a stereotypical good girl. She always has her nose in a book, she gets good grades, she spends her Friday nights studying in comparison to partying, and her dream is to get into Harvard so she can become a journalist — she’s essentially any parent’s dream child. No matter how you feel about Rory as a person, you can’t deny the character trajectory of gifted kid burnout she experiences in later seasons is actually quite realistic.
A key trait of Rory’s character is her inability to handle failure and criticism. In season 1, we see Rory spiral after getting a D on a test for the first time. In season 5, she spirals after Mitchum Huntzberger tells her she doesn’t have what it takes to be a journalist. One conversation leads her to steal a yacht, get arrested, drop out of Yale, and have a falling out with her mother. She spirals so much because she grew up being told by everyone around her that she was special and one of a kind. So when Mitchum, a giant in journalism, told her she wasn’t special and didn’t have what it took to achieve greatness, everything she knew and the way she viewed herself all came crashing down.
Alex from Modern Family experiences a similar mental breakdown. Her entire character is based on being “the smart kid” in her family. In season 5, we see Alex attend a therapy session in which she opens up about the responsibility she feels to uphold the title of “the smart kid” and the pressure she feels to achieve greatness. It’s one of the most touching moments of the entire show.
“Once you start over-achieving, people expect things from you (…) the world, teachers, parents, other kids. It’s not all internal.”
- Alex Dunphy, Modern Family
![The Rory Gilmore reading list challenge 2017 | Be Exactly Who You Want To Be The Rory Gilmore reading list challenge 2017 | Be Exactly Who You Want To Be](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F4f5fed12-2914-499e-bed9-4c8fa6cf6b20_500x350.jpeg)
Two of my all-time favourite literary characters are Amy March from Little Women and Hermione Granger from Harry Potter. Hermione Granger is quite possibly the ultimate example of a character obsessed with academic validation. Out of the trio, she’s the brains. She’s the goody-two-shoes who lectures Harry and Ron for breaking the rules. She’s at the top of all their classes, she spends an ungodly amount of time in the library, and she’s constantly seeking validation from all the professors. But Hermione also has this fierce competitiveness to her. She likes being the best and hates when someone threatens to take that away from her; like in Half-Blood Prince, when Hermione goes slightly mad after Harry starts overtaking her in Potions, or how she continually struggles with accepting she’s hopeless at Quidditch. The older I got and the more I re-read the series, the more I related to Hermione’s obsession with her grades and need to be the best in everything she does.
“Talent isn’t genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great, or nothing.”
- Amy March, Little Women
While Hermione is a beloved character to many, Amy March is a character I’ve always viewed as misunderstood. Jo, as the free-spirited and boisterous March sister, is the fan favourite. In comparison, who would like uptight, pessimistic, perfectionist Amy? I related to Amy so much while reading Little Women. She dreams of being a painter, yet she lacks the self-confidence Jo has with her writing. She feels as if she lives in Jo’s shadow, and so she puts pressure on herself to do great things. But because she’s so critical of herself, she’ll never live up to those expectations. That quote from Amy, “I want to be great, or nothing,” is quite possibly my all-time favourite book quote, because I share the same mindset. I think all the characters I’ve mentioned share that same mindset.
One thing I find really special about art is the way it can be a mirror. Whether it’s seeing yourself reflected through a fictional character or music or otherwise, it helps to know you’re not alone in feeling the way you feel. Maybe even while reading this, you see yourself reflected in what I’m saying. If you do relate to the struggle of constantly seeking validation from others and putting pressure on yourself to be great lest you let people down, then I hope it brings you even just a little bit of comfort in knowing you’re not the only one.
such a gorgeous read & such a perfect analysis of these characters. devastating to relate to.