It’s been a while since I’ve written a ranty personal piece on here. I’ve written a lot of music pieces lately (and I’ve got more on the way!!), which is great, because music is one of my favourite things to write about, but I’ve missed yapping and ranting about my life, even if no one finds it interesting besides myself.
One thing I’ve used Substack for quite a bit is documenting my experience at university. I’m halfway through my second year, but I’m currently on break, which I’m enjoying, but I am already missing uni. I’m studying a Bachelor of Arts, through which I’m majoring in English and Writing and minoring in Humanities and Social Sciences. And I just recently got the results to say I’ll be able to officially start my Master of Teaching next semester (!!!). So at the end of my degree, I’ll be a fully qualified secondary school teacher.
But just because I’m also pursuing a career in teaching, doesn’t mean I’m giving up on my dreams of having a career in writing. I’ve briefly mentioned a couple times on here that I’ve been working on a book. I’ve mentioned it a few times in a Note or made a throw away comment in a post here and there, but every time I’ve mentioned it, I’ve been incredible vague and distant. I’m saying this because I’ve recently realised something: I’m being way too secretive about this project. I’m being too guarded, and holding it too close to my chest.
I’ve always been protective over my writing. Part of the reason why I wanted to start a Substack in the first place is because I had a fear of other people reading my writing. If I ever wanted to have a career in writing, I knew that had to change. Substack has been a really effective way for me to get out of my comfort zone and face my fears. I truly am endlessly appreciative of the little community I’ve found on here. I love having a place where I can talk to other people about the latest pop album, or the book everyone is reading, or what everyone’s current writing project is.
As much as I love having a self-publishing platform like Substack, one of my writing goals for this year is to try and get something published in a more traditional way, like an online magazine, so I can experience what it’s like to have someone else publish my writing. But back to my book. I am the only person who has read it. No one in my real life knows about it, only the never-ending void that is the internet, which works, because no one in my real life knows about my Substack either.
I was watching a video Ana Neu made, who is one of my favourite writing YouTubers, where she hired an editor on Fiverr to give feedback on her first 10 chapters. The thought crossed my mind of doing something similar, but I was immediately filled with so much fear at even just the thought of it. I realised it scared me so much because having someone else finally read this project after literal years felt too real. For years, this has been my little secret. My secret project that is mine all mine; the one that I have spent countless hours working on in secret, pouring all my energy and passion into. It’s nice to think of the mere sentiment of having written a book. It’s not so nice to think of actually doing something with it.
To have someone else finally read it would be opening myself up to the possibility of my happy little bubble being popped. Opening myself up to the possibility of all my fears being confirmed: What if it’s bad? What if the story doesn’t work? What if it’s riddled with plot holes and flat characters and bad prose? What if I’m not actually as good a writer as I thought I was? What if I’ve overestimated my own abilities and the fact that I ever thought I could write a good book is laughable? What if I’m really a fraud? I know I’m not the only writer who suffers from a similar sort of imposter syndrome.
Yes, I have moments where those sorts of doubts creep in. But I also have moments where I truly believe in the story I have written. I have moments where I believe in the characters and their journeys. I have moments where I believe that I may very well have written something of worth. The doubts creep in, but then I read over the manuscript, and I think to myself: There is something here. There is something good here, I can feel it. I need to learn to trust myself more. Trust not only my abilities as a writer, but my instincts as a reader.
I think the first step in overcoming this fear is breaking down the wall of secrecy a bit more. So I’ll be less vague: I’ve written a fantasy book. It’s a stand-alone, not part of a series, which I know is uncommon for the fantasy genre. It’s also a fantasy book without a romance subplot, which again, is becoming rarer and rarer for fantasy these days. I first came up with the idea for this story back in 2021, when I was 16. I wrote the first five chapters, then lost steam. Probably because I tried to write it without plotting it first. I am many things, but a pantser is not one of them. Even though I shelved it to focus on other projects first, I always kept the idea at the back of my head because I knew, even then, that I wanted it to be my first book.
As promised, I circled back to the project in October of 2023 and began plotting it before actually writing it. I spent four months outlining the story, before starting the first draft in February of 2024. I finished the first draft in June, so another four months, and almost immediately started working on the second draft. I finished the second draft in early October. I find it so funny that I spent roughly four months working on the plotting stage, the first draft, and the second draft. Especially considering 4 is my lucky number.
After I finished the second draft, I printed it out, put it in a binder, then stuck it under my bed for three months. In those three months, I did not allow myself to open the binder, or even open the document on my laptop. I even tried to limit myself from thinking about the story. I wanted to come back to it with completely fresh eyes. In January of 2025, I opened up the binder for the first time in three months and, with a red pen and highlighters in hand, edited the hell out of that thing. After I did that, I used those notes and edits to make a start on the third draft.
Cut to today. 22 months after I began this endevour, I have now finished the third draft. As soon as I did, I looked up from my laptop, looked around the room, and thought… what now? Don’t mistake me, I still don’t think it’s ready-for-the-world-to-see level of polished, but I think, for now, it’s as good as I’m gonna get it without the outside help of editors or even just a second pair of eyes. As I already touched on, I’m a little wary to trust the quality of it, because of the fact that I am the only person to have read it. It’s moments like these where I wish I had a trusted writer friend with whom I could ask for feedback and swap drafts with.
I’m feeling bold, so I’m even going to include something I made on Canva a while back, which includes the codename I’ve given the project (because codenames for WIPs are fun, can’t lie), a mood board, and a handful of songs I feel are representative of it (yes, most of the songs are by Taylor Swift, and what about it). I like associating colours with things, and as I’m sure you can tell, this book is very purple in my mind. Anyway, here it is:
I’ve decided my next course of action is going to be to do it all over again. I’m going to move onto my next book idea. Last year, I went to a writer’s workshop my university put on, where we were able to talk to someone who works in publishing and ask them questions. One thing she said is that it’s never a bad idea to be working on two manuscripts at once. Part of me is sad to be saying “goodbye for now” to Project Forest. But another part of me is excited to start my next project. It’s another fantasy book, and this time, it is part of a series. A trilogy, to be more specific, and I already have all three books outlined in their entirety because I spent months doing so between the ages of 17 and 18.
I know the standard procedure for a writer upon finishing a manuscript is trying to get published, or at the very least, trying to get an agent. But I have no interest in any of that just yet. For multiple reasons. First of all, my age. I’m only 20. I’m young enough that I feel most publishers or agents aren’t going to take me seriously. I’m sure there are other people my age that have gotten lucky, but I’m not one of those people who constantly feels as if they’re running out of time. I know there’s no rush.
Secondly, I’m a university student. For the next two and a half years, my main priority and focus is making sure I get to put on that cap and gown and get handed the certificate that means I officially have a degree. If I’m going to go through what is, I’m sure, the stressful, disheartening, and at times soul-crushing experience that is trying to get published, I want to be able to place all my focus into it.
Thirdly, and this one is a bit more “woo-woo”, but my intuition and my gut is telling me that now is simply not the time for that, because I am not yet ready. Like I said, I’m only 20. I know that I have much more character growth and development ahead of me. And I know that trying to get published is a job for an older and wiser version of myself, one that has much thicker skin.
Right now, I’m content with where I am career-wise. I’ve always been a career-oriented person. When I was younger, I never daydreamed about getting married or having kids of my own. I did, however, daydream about being an author, an actress, a teacher, an academic, or whatever other thing had captured my fascination at the time. Now that I’m an adult, I’m finally able to begin chasing the things I’ve always wanted. And that’s exciting!
It excites me when I think about writing my next book. It excites me when I think about continuing to grow and build my Substack. It excites me when I think about starting my prac next year, and getting to actually be in a classroom. It excites me when I think about teaching the next generation the thing I am most passionate about in the world: the English language. Are these things equally nerve-wracking as they are exciting? Yes. But that’s half the fun.
If you’re reading this and see any similarities in your own experience, I’d love to hear about it. I’d love to hear about the writing project you’re working on, or what you’re studying at university, or your own career goals, or whatever else.
Until next yap,
- Lilly :)
I love reading about the experience of other writers, and I'm glad you decided to share! Having a complete manuscript is always a great start, and it's so exciting that you have more ideas lined up to work on. I'm currently working on my second novel after having queried the first to encouraging response though nothing has panned out at this point, and I spent years scribbling short stories before a novel idea swooped in about three years ago and took over completely. If you're thinking about having someone read your pages, feel free to tell me a little bit more about it through a message, and we'll figure out if I'll be a good fit for your story or what you might be looking for in terms of feedback. I'm no expert but I exchange pages with other writers regularly, so if that's something you're interested in, let me know!
This is so exciting!!!! If you do eventually want someone to read it, I would love to, and perhaps I am abstract enough to you that my edits or feedback won't hurt you?? Not that I expect it will need harsh editing! Also I have done some freelancing, if you want any advice on that front :) A really good thing to do is to write for the student publication if your uni has one too! I wrote for ours, and then was the editor for (one of) my uni's student publications and it was such a great experience. I loved reading about your recent ventures :)